Thursday night Kyle and I stayed up past our bedtime and snuck into a student gig at the U. It was the debut show for Here Between, a band of three brothers. My boys. Playing and singing Luke’s original music. Grant at the keys and Nils on electric. They were the evening headliners preceded by two other bands. And they were AWESOME.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re the mom. Of course you’d say that. But I’m telling you, it’s true. The only flaw in their performance was that it was too short.
I came home late savoring the music and filled with wonder over such a night. It was past bedtime for teenagers, too, but the house was lit up and adrenaline flowing. Jimmy sat at the piano working out a song he’d recently been learning. Felipe was at the kitchen table putting finishing touches on a pencil drawing of a London street. And I said it to Kyle. There’s a lot of creative energy in this house.
One of Luke’s friends made a comment at the end of the concert. Abby used to hang out in our home on Wednesday nights for high school ministry, and now she’s part of Luke’s posse at the U of M. She said she’d been watching me while the boys were singing. Like how you watch the groom’s face as the bride walks down the aisle. That’s how she said it. What is it like to be their mom?
And that’s when I realized what HE’D been doing. How just that morning memorizing the Word from Ephesians something happened that had never happened before. It was something Paul said and how it hit me. Although I am less than the least of all the Lord’s people, this grace was given me…*
Right there in that moment, I knew this was ME. Less than the least, and yet…
Here’s the thing. All week long, and for several weeks, really, I’d been wrestling with something – and not sure if the conflict was with Satan or God. Terribly aware of overwhelming weakness. Making mental lists of the ways I fail. And I’m absolutely convinced that ALL condemnation is the enemy’s trick, and it’s never HIS. Not the Father’s voice, and yet He is sovereign over even this. It’s there in a frame by my living room lamp – Romans 8:28. He works ALL THINGS for good. (Take that, you creep.)
This has been such a big part of my story. Oh, God, I’m so grateful. Yesterday morning I shared all the details with a new friend over coffee. I took her all the way back to that time in my 30’s – a mom who was bent toward pride and perfection – and how God changed my direction, and rewired my heart. Every day since He’s been refining.
And He uses this season of magnified weakness to perfect my heart so I understand this. Although I’m less than the least, He gives me this grace.
It’s hard to explain this to Abby and others who wonder. What is it like to be Mom? It’s good, and delightful. Like a happy surprise. My heart feels this pleasure – and yet it’s somehow unaffected. At peace, and thankful. That’s it. Less than the least, and yet this…