Photo credit to Janet Eastvold (my mom)
It’s been a long gloomy month. I have felt it in my soul. And yes, I know there are reasons. Perfectly rational explanations for this taste of crazy. Depraved of sun. Derailed by hormones. (Is it normal to break into a sweat when it’s double-digits-below-zero?) Seasons aligning in a perfect storm, and it’s no wonder I’ve spent the first month of this year in a weary trance. My pastor describes January as “a fog in a bog” and it’s so very true.
I have an intellectual awareness of a life that’s good. There’s no comparison between this year and last when it come to a family thriving. I should be throwing a party every other day. And yet there have been days this month when negative thoughts have consumed me. These boys I live with are out to destroy me, I’m absolutely sure. Piles of clothes and trails of garbage are secretly hate mail to MOM. And I actually believe it. Poor me.
My spiritual thoughts have likewise been gloomy. Doubts and complaining – and here’s my confession. I’ve even been crabby with God.
And then, a breakthrough. It happened on Tuesday. He came to my rescue. Jesus Himself. In spite of every conceivable reason for Him to ignore me, He showed up and saved me, and just when I needed Him most. There’s no better way to explain it. God had mercy, and He pulled me up out of my despicable funk.
His love is amazing. He used all His best tactics to woo me. Just the right book. A well-written story. A sweet friend and good coffee. A Psalm in the morning. The prayers of His people. Hugs from my family. A whole week being lavished by His grace and His love.
And my soul-sun’s been shining every day since.
Today the sun is ACTUALLY shining, and of course there’s a spring in my step. But I can say this for certain… I’m glad that old sun sat behind clouds until Friday. I’m glad the cheer in my soul was there FIRST from HIM.
I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.
Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
Lord, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
To you, Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
“What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
Lord, be my help.”
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
Thanks, God, for your rescue.